I have to admit I was a bit shocked, but there it was – nestled in my inbox right between a notification of my lottery winnings and an offer for Super Viagra – a plaintive cry for help from Mitt Romney. Now I don’t usually get emails from politicians (except for David Plouffe, who seems to have a crush on me) but Mitt seemed a bit depressed and I suspect that, knowing I’m a Liberal (and therefore all touchy-feely), he figured I’d offer a soft shoulder for him to cry on.

Dear Jim,

First, I can’t figure out how I lost to this McCain fellow. I mean I bent myself double kissing the right wing’s ass and a “moderate” wins the nomination. Heck, I had a lock on the moderate thing. How was I supposed to know it was a winner?

And then he picks Palin. Hey, I know we didn’t get along, but surely I was better qualified that the Governor of West Canada. Anyway, I gotta believe that, with the economy in the toilet, my record would have been a bit more helpful than hers.

But, hey, I still want to be president! What’s a right-wing, moderate, Mormon, Christian conservative, Liberal supposed to do?

Yours truly,

Mitt

Here’s my response:

Dear Mitt,

It’s time to take a hard look at the facts. Worse case scenario for you: John McCain wins and somehow survives (politically and physically) eight years as president. During that time Sarah Palin will build some actual credentials, meet a lot of foreign leaders at funerals and, with her lock on the right wing, become the inevitable Republican presidential candidate in 2016. That makes your next chance 2020 and by then nobody will remember or care who you are.

Your only chance is for McCain to lose; relegating Palin to Ferraro status and leaving the 2012 nomination wide open. So what can you do to blow another hole in the Senator’s sinking campaign ship while, at the same time, helping yourself?

It’s easy. On tomorrow’s Wall Street Journal’s Op-Ed page, you need to come out with a clear and concise, free-market based solution to our current economic crisis and challenge McCain to adopt it. It doesn’t make any difference if it makes sense, it will never be put to the test. The voters don’t want free market solutions right now. They want the government to fix things. And the government fixing things is the Democrat’s idea. All John can do is ignore you and act like a Neo-Liberal.

Odds are he’ll lose, and you being the only Republican to offer a plan to fix the economy (and a market-base one at that) will be the logical choice to get the nomination next time around. If this turns out to be really bad and the economy hasn’t turned around by 2012, you’ll be a shoe-in unless, of course, you blow it again.

And, if Obama wins and the economy is purring smoothly come 2012? Well in that case, I have just three letters for you: F – D – R. You might be better off trying to get a job managing the London Olympics.

Sincerely,

Jim