We at 2 Hangmen realize the economic pain you’re feeling. We recognize that we’re in the midst of this country’s worst economic crisis since Depression 1.0 and we’re going to do something about it! Effective immediately we’re withdrawing from the Presidential Debates until this problem is fixed (unlike someone we know, we really mean it so don’t expect us to show up anyway).

And, unlike either presidential candidate, we have a plan (actually several of them). So here’s our list of 10 Ways to Fix the Economy:

  1.  Organized Crime Employment Works Program (OCEWP pronounced o-soup): Conventional wisdom is that organized crime isn’t hurt by and may even benefit from an economic downturn. But this is no ordinary downturn and, if things get much worse, we wouldn’t be surprised if they start liquidating assets. Through OCEWP, the federal government will hire out of work enforcers to “persuade” all those dead beat mortgage holders to pay up thus raising the value of those mortgage-based securities we’ve been hearing so much about.
  2. Downloadable Dollars: With the last stimulus package the government spent millions of dollars mailing us letters to tell us the money was coming and millions more delivering it. Those are millions of dollars which could have been spent bailing out banks. For all future stimulus packages we propose cutting out the middleman and making the hundred dollar bill available as a downloadable pdf file which can be printed as needed.
  3. Reverse Border Security: We spent all that money on border fences and it turns out the way to solve the illegal immigration problem was to have a recession. Things are so bad that people are returning to Mexico to look for jobs. We propose using those border checkpoints to prevent illegal aliens from leaving the country until they pay up. And hopefully, once they’re back home, they’ll wire money back to the other illegals they left behind.
  4. Senior Export Program (SEP): Recently insurance companies have begun shipping patients out of the country to save money on healthcare and who needs more healthcare than old people? Under SEP, senior citizens will be shipped to low-cost countries where they can get by on significantly reduced Social Security and Medicare benefits.
  5. USA IPO: In exchange for stock, current stakeholders (formerly known as citizens) would give up the right to all current and future government compensation.
  6. Google Takeover: Once USA stock is in private hands, it’s only a matter of time before Google tries to take over (I’m sure they’d love to get their hands on some of the NSA’s code). Then we could finally see what it’s like to have the country competently managed. Note: Encourage Microsoft to bid but make sure they lose.
  7.  Neo-Hippies: If the Neo-Conservatives ushered in an era of greed and excess, perhaps the Neo-Hippies can usher it out. Thrift store clothes and homegrown (uhh…) vegetables will replace dependence on the government. In exchange for re-entering the Age of Aquarius, Neo-Hippies will commit to never again taking money from “The Man.”
  8.  Bail Out Billy Jack: If we can rescue Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, why not bring back Billy Jack, the peace-loving, kung-fu fighting, cult hero from the seventies. Last seen in 1977’s Billy Jack Goes to Washington, perhaps it’s time to send him to Wall Street to see if he can kick some sense into those folks. Note: According to Wikipedia, “Laughlin plans to make a fifth film, Billy Jack for President…” so maybe it’s not too late.
  9. Invade Ourselves: It used to be a given that nothing turns around an economy like a war. The problem is that our current wars have left us so broke we can’t afford to send the troops anywhere else to fight. The solution is simple: invade ourselves. All the money stays home and, if we lose, we can benefit from the money we’ll spend helping ourselves recover. As an added bonus, if things go badly, we can use the excuse to pull our troops out of Iraq and bring them home where they’re needed.
  10. Housing Swap Initiative (HSI): The problem with most economic rescue plans is that they reward the undeserving. I mean if you had the good sense not to get in over your head in the first place, you wouldn’t need rescued would you? How do you rescue the fools without punishing the frugal? The 2 Hangmen HSI is the answer:
    1. The government temporarily assumes ownership of all housing and takes over all mortgages.
    2. Using a Frugality Index (details to be determined), those who have lived within their means will be offered the opportunity to keep their current mortgage (if they have one) while trading their modest home for a larger home currently facing foreclosure.
    3. The foreclosed owners move into the former home of the frugal family and renegotiate their mortgage based upon the value of their new, more modest abode.

Viola, those who have lived within their means are rewarded with a bit more luxury and those who didn’t are downgraded but not left homeless.

Got a bailout plan of your own? Why not share it?